And for the first timing and in 57 years maybe I can accept it.
It’s funny what a few drinks and a special occasion can do.
It was a couple of weeks ago and I was fortunate enough, even honoured to be a guest at my nephews wedding. After a long but wonderful day I found myself sitting more or less alone on a big round table that had earlier had maybe a dozen other guests including my wife, son, mother and father-in-law, niece, her fiance and other friends siting around it. Some had left by now, others had split off to the bar, but most were dancing, including my wife. One of the guests saw me from the dance-floor and came over to get me up and as usual I shrugged it off.
I’m hopeless at moving in anything even closely resembling rhythm – I’m like one of those trick bikes where the handlebars move the wheels in the opposite direction. I very occasionally give it a go but if I make it past a minute without drawing sideways glances I kind of get cocky and move it up a notch whilst trying to catch a reflection in a mirror somewhere – which is usually when Anna get’s too embarrassed and drags me back to the seats.
I’m also not that good at conversation, I can listen okay but struggle to start a chat, and sometimes in over-trying I’ll say something so totally barmy that I cringe to myself. I’m also somewhat deaf in anything but a quite environment so, because I can’t hear someone speaking to me clearly I do what I suppose many other people do and try to guess what they’ve just said using the words that I did, or thought I did pick-up – and from their often slightly puzzled expressions, I can usually tell I guessed wrong.
So I spend a lot of time sat by myself.
Feeling a bit awkward.
Wishing I was mister super confident, cool, great dancing, sly, charming devil – like that guy over there – there always is one.
But I’m not.
And then it dawned on me. Maybe it was the booze, or the atmosphere, whatever – I realized that everyone seems to accept me like this – they all know my routine, no-one seems to think any less of me and I felt serenely comfortable in that exact moment. I realized that this was me – that all was cool – that I actually like sitting alone and watching people that I like and especially the ones I love, enjoy themselves all around me. Maybe the phrase ‘ I like sitting alone’ is not exactly what I mean, and I’m not sure what is, but it was almost as if I was I was over-seeing the whole thing and was content that a good job was being done.
So, maybe in future I won’t feel so wall flowery.
Maybe it really is cool to just accept who you are.
It’s certainly less stressful!